When I started reading about burnout, a lot of it resonated.
Vanessa McNeal, a transformation coach, writes that burnout isn't just about doing too much. It's "about why we can't stop, even when we know better." She describes how, for many high achievers, the nervous system learns that productivity equals safety. One quote I love from Tricia Hersey's book Rest Is Resistance goes like this: "There is no 'burnout.' There is worker exploitation, abuse from capitalism, and trauma stored in our bodies from a lifetime of overworking." I like that Tricia names the context of burnout and also calls attention to what our bodies are carrying when we push through in conditions that call us to chronic overwork.
Thinking about overworking patterns and what helped create them is important. And perimenopause has fundamentally changed the conversation for me. I realized my body had adapted to chronic stress, to a degree. With my hormones shifting, and so many other women talking to me about hormonal changes, I saw the importance of a nervous system approach. Yes, organizing my life differently mattered. What also became clear was the emotional support piece, and how much I needed to find the people and places that affirmed the experiences of my body.
A while back, I realized the narrative I grew up with about working twice as hard needed a modification. Rest is part of the work, and caring for myself is now at the centre of my decision making.
In my last post, I wrote about being stuck in survival mode when you're the one who holds it all together, and how perimenopause can add another layer. This post is about that layer.
When the hormones are changing and doing a zig zag and the stress response buffers are gone, I think the whole conversation about burnout and survival mode is different. During perimenopause, estrogen and progesterone rise and fall unpredictably. Both help regulate how your body handles stress, so when they fluctuate, it's easier to tip into high alert and harder to settle back down.
What does it feel like when burnout and perimenopause overlap?
You might be experiencing high anxiety out of the blue. Maybe you feel mentally foggy and feel like you are sleepwalking through your days. Could be that your brain feels like a colander and even when you write things down, the focus to execute is simply not there.
It's often not one or the other. Stress and hormonal changes can feed each other, so it can be hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.
Why can't I push through like I used to?
Let's say you were a high achiever, partly because you had the capacity and were ambitious, but also because this is how you learned to succeed. High achievement often gets rewarded. But it can also teach your nervous system that staying on high alert is how you stay safe, and that pushing past your limits is just what you do.
And so if part of how you coped before was to override and outperform, the capacity to do the same might not be there. You might not be able to stay in a chronic stress response for long, and you might crash and burn out more often. Or you might find yourself functioning and putting one foot in front of the other, paying the bills, making dinner, and feeling disconnected from yourself. You might have been in survival mode long before you got to the place where your system crashed.
Who's on your care team?
How you support yourself emotionally becomes a big question. If you are a woman of colour, or specifically a Black woman, medical gaslighting and dismissal might be a big part of your experience. Maybe your family doctor hasn't been trained to support you through this, or you've been ignored when you tried to explain what's happening. And quite frankly, if you are a woman on this planet, you are often dealing with medical research that doesn't centre your lived experience, in a world where women's suffering is treated as normal.
We are often told to cope by getting medical support. That might be helpful if you have a good relationship with your doctor. It might not be if you don't, or if you're still looking for one. Either way, it might be time to re-evaluate who is on your care team. Practitioners like acupuncturists, naturopaths, and mental health therapists can often spend more time with you. If cost feels prohibitive, student clinics and community health centres can offer more accessible options.
How does this show up in relationships?
When your battery is low, relationships can start to feel like one more thing to manage. Maybe a text comes in and you freeze, because answering feels urgent and impossible at the same time. Maybe you don't want to risk disappointing a friend or partner, so you say nothing at all. Decision fatigue can keep you silent and spent.
And if you were taught that you're only valuable when you're doing things for others, saying "I need a break" can feel like a risk.
It can help to have the words ready before you need them. With a friend, you could try:
I'm having a hard time right now and need to hibernate. I'll check back in with you once I feel like my brain is back online.
With someone close to you:
I love you, but I need some quiet, low-demand space tonight to recharge. Could you take care of dinner tonight?
You'll find more in my free Low Capacity Scripts guide here.
What if you befriended your body instead of overriding it?
A big part of this shift, at least it has been true for me, is moving out of an identity where you hold it all together, where you help everybody and are last on the to-do list. Part of how you coped before might have been self-abandoning, or putting yourself last. In this season, you might be learning for the first time what makes sense for you, before you can help anyone else.
That's where befriending your body comes in: working with what's showing up instead of ignoring it. Affirming your body's experience, instead of overriding it, is a quiet way of unlearning that productivity equals safety. It doesn't have to be big. A few micro-shifts to start:
Put yourself back on the list. Take 5 to 10 minutes to start or end your day with uninterrupted time. Drink your tea or coffee. If you like movement, put on your favourite song and stretch, or go for a walk.
Practice radical honesty with yourself. Give yourself permission to move a bit slower, even when your body tells you a task or text is urgent.
Give your body some love when it's activated. Try cold water on your face or wrists. Or try a physiological sigh: one short inhale through the nose, another short inhale, then a long exhale all the way to your toes. A short walk or your feet on the grass can help too.
Find your low-battery signal. What phrase, emoji, or system could you use to let the people in your life know you're at low capacity?
In therapy, we practice these shifts together, slowly, and with support, so you don't have to figure out this season on your own.
Ready to slow down together?
You don't need the right words or a clear label to reach out. If you recognize yourself in any part of this, whether it's something in your body, your relationships, or the way you've always coped, we can start there.
I offer virtual sessions across much of Canada. You can book a free 15-minute vibe check to see if we align. Have questions about fees or using your benefits? You'll find answers on my FAQ page.
